Jesus Christ. Was this the best year of my life? Yes—and I know that’s true because of all this horse shit I bought for myself on Amazon’s website. “You can tell a story by reading the lines in a log,” the old pioneer once said, and that’s still true, but with Prime Membership items instead.

As a child my dad would always say that if you knew how to cook you’d always have friends. Every time I use this non-stick frying pan I think about microscopic flakes of non-stick coating coming loose, contaminating my food, and making their way into my gut where they will accumulate and give me cancer. Dad never said anything much about that. 7/10

You’ve never questioned “what happened” to yourself until you accidentally catch your reflection while wearing a PlayStation 4 gaming headset while talking to your friend across the internet. The mic was never loud enough for those on the other end and I always looked like a fucking goon. 5/10

I bought these to share with my coworkers because it was my turn to buy the diet cola in our office diet cola rotation. I don’t work with most of those people anymore and I can’t remember how the cola tasted. Oh also the cans were this stupid mini size and my coworkers teased me for it. 3/10

Pure escapism. Need more of that in 2016. 9/10

My college roommate always made fun of me for not shaving my back (I have a hairy back, you see) and I never gave in, and then he had a nervous breakdown after we graduated. Now he’s doing really well though (psychologically and financially) so who’s the real loser here? I give this razor three stars.

Now this was a little dumb fucking thing. I had this FANTASY VISION in which I’d come home after a long day at the salt mines and with a tap of my fingertip and a flick of my wrist, stereo music would come pouring out of every speaker in my rat-den apartment via Bluetooth. This thing is terrible though, I had to reach around behind the speaker to turn it over every time, and god, I’m boring myself even trying to remember why this didn’t work and was bad, holy shit it was $16?? I remember it being like $5... I give it zero stars, a score of zero has been awarded.

I threw this away without even taking it out of the package. 10/10

Who was I kidding with this? In what possible universe was this going to be integrated into my lifestyle?

I can’t believe I made it until May before I ordered a new one of these things, now surely lost and at the bottom of the sea. I don’t think it ever worked. Zero Star.

No more soaking large industrial sponges in mud puddles and then wringing them out over my mouth for me. 10/10

“Hey, want to come over and watch Blade Runner on Blu-ray? Yes, the science fiction masterpiece, the collector’s edition, in 1080p resolution. I have filtered water and a little keychain charger thing for your phone. And an electric razor? Hello? HELLO? WHAT DO YOU MEAN THIS IS A CHIPOTLE”

I thought I had a fungal infection in my fingernail, but it turned out it was psoriasis, a lifelong disease of the immune system.

I use this to listen to Serial Podcast in 5.1 surround sound every day after work, but I deprive myself of the conclusion of the final episode and let myself wonder what will ever happen with that crime. Works great, and it even came with a remote control. 9/10

IDK why or what

This figured prominently in my “performative beach reading” campaign of Summer 2015, some interesting tales in here, 7/10

Well, here we are. In my 28th year of life, I bought elastic comfort shorts from a mega-warehouse internet site.

No I’m not embarrassed by this. Why would I regret being a muscle man in 2015? It turns out these shirts are also great for lying in bed completely motionless and silent.

This thing is terrific, it’s like a handheld Roomba. Now that I live alone I put it directly on my face to suck tiny hairs off my cheeks after I shave so that they don’t fall on the floor. 10/10

Huh, this cost a penny, but with shipping it came out to $7? What a world.

Hm apparently I then bought the same book over again only this time it cost $40 instead of a penny.

Not enough big zombie breasts in this videogame for my taste 6/10

I must have clicked this by accident

HAHAHAHHAhahahahahahahaha, it took me like five months to even pick this up off my floor after it arrived and take it out of the packaging, if you think I’m ever going to use it to make zoodles out of vegetables you’re out of your FUCKING MIND. I’m DELUSIONAL.

Of all the pieces of simulated murder software I sampled this year, my favorite was this one. I even bought a copy for a friend because it was his birthday. 100% score

“April showers bring May flowers, July midwives bring August hard drives.” 99/100

Oh hell yeah baby. September’s here, and that means it’s lotion and Mountain Dew time. Let’s just say these went fast

I’ve noticed I compulsively buy charging devices—makes you wonder what I’m really trying to “charge.” Also this literally never worked once, it was a trick played on me by someone on Shenzhen. 0/10

Yes. OK. Yes. 9/10

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WAIT no, this one broke and then I had to order a replacement..... 7/10

Battery error. Bad news.

On a subconscious but very real level I desire nothing more than to be completely wrapped and sealed off from the world under several layers of polymer sheets.

Which of these will I use first: Bluetooth earbuds for the gym, or potassium iodide tablets for a nuclear attack?

My goal is to assemble a wardrobe comprised entirely of discount Amazon attire and then be buried alive in it. These shoes are good, 7/10 for walking.

The screen cracked on my old Kindle so I sold it to a local jackass and then got a new one and then the screen on this one got cracked. I give myself a C+

People get very weirded out when they see this in my apartment because they think it’s some sort of sex thing, and well, it is. B+ but honestly I wish it were more stretchy

Here’s a parable: I read that New Yorker article about how seaweed could be the future of food and it made me want to “get in on the movement” (my own words) so I ordered these chips, and they were one of the worst things I’ve ever put in my mouth, I choose doom for our species if given the choice. 1/10 and an F grade

This game sucks

OK now we’re getting into dark territory, when I moved into a new apartment and furnished it almost entirely through Ikea and Amazon. My carbon footprint exploded into a category that can only be described as “shocking” and “immoral.” The problem with this consumer behavior pattern is that it’s self-accelerating—as your anxiety about a new home (and what’s missing from it) increases, so does your reliance on a website that’s covered in buttons that will make things appear at your new residence in two days. It works. Buying Clorox wipes that arrive in a large cardboard box and were delivered on an airplane is disgusting. They clean well, though.

Cleanliness of body, sanitation of the countertop, hygiene of the mind.

The internet keeps my hair clean.

I replaced my TV with a smaller one that looks better. It’s a great set but there’s a button on the remote that makes Twitter appear on the TV so I can’t in good conscience give this anything less than a 2 out of 10.

At a certain point there were so many cardboard Amazon boxes in my apartment that I couldn’t get to my bed—I heaped them in the building’s trash room so high that the door became stuck shut, almost trapping me inside a sort of “tomb” of my own garbage.

No idea. I don’t think these ever arrived. I don’t even have curtains I have blinds...

The HDMI cable never arrived. The power strip has nothing plugged into it.

This thing is great because I could stop storing all my silverware in my bed, where I’d roll nude over spoons and butter knives each night, and put it in a drawer instead.

I replaced my nerd helmet with a better nerd helmet.

This is completely pathological behavior.

Hhhhhhhhhh

Can you hear me SAM

This is Jeff Bezos Sam

The light that guides you and your body image will both come from and end with me. You can’t forsake Jeff

BEZOS won’t forget you. Come to BEZOS. Plug in to BEZOS

αααααα

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sssjhhhh

I’ll protect and carry you SAM

ΩΩΩ

I haven’t used this yet but it’s replacing a similar Pyrex storage set that I had to throw away this year because it became contaminated by mold and some of it broke. I expect it to be just as good so I feel comfortable to give it a preemptive 8/10 score.

Previously:


Contact the author at biddle@gawker.com.
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