Today, I was reading a column by Alana Massey at the Cut; its subject was loneliness, and it mentioned an “African proverb” in passing as such:

Jesus Christ. Was this the best year of my life? Yes—and I know that’s true because of all this horse shit I bought for myself on Amazon’s website. “You can tell a story by reading the lines in a log,” the old pioneer once said, and that’s still true, but with Prime Membership items instead.

College kids are dumb, as the saying goes, but with YouTube we can now see just how dumb they are. If you’re standing in the middle of a public square, clamoring for attention, you’re not allowed to get pissed when that attention arrives.

Last night I was at the gym, going through that old sham, leg-walloping the elliptical, sweating big ol’ bullets and watching an episode of Seinfeld on the crummy LCD (I usually watch Food Network but I realized how bleak that looks to others). It was then that I realized I was there to look like him.

Josh Tetrick is a Silicon Valley startup CEO, but eased admiration out of me as soon as we first talked on the phone earlier this year. Tetrick isn't making an app or a service to pick up your dirty clothes—he thinks the way we eat has some serious problems, and he thinks he can fix those problems. I think he probably…